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Even though we cannot expect the
recovery process to proceed at an even pace, there is no reason why
the Lord cannot achieve a more or less complete work of healing in
us. The crucial thing is to attend to any issues that look like
becoming “sticking points” – for griefs that we avoid are sure to
catch up with us. As this far from untypical story shows, they may
even turn “pathological”
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A friend who lost her
husband many years ago when her children were young never
got over the loss. She constantly talked about him as though
he were still there, or just away on a holiday. In every
sense, she put her life on hold. Many years later, this
woman had a conflict in her workplace, and was unable to
cope and had a complete breakdown. It took several weeks of
counselling before she was able to address the grief and lay
her husband’s memory to rest. |
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In Great Expectations,
Dickens paints what must surely be the supreme example of
someone who refuses to embrace the reality of her loss. From
the moment she is spurned in marriage, Miss Havisham allows
every part of her life to go into cold storage. The clock
hands remained pointing to the minute the wedding was
cancelled, symbolising the unhealed grief that locks her
into the past. The only emotion she now permits herself is a
consuming desire to use her beautiful ward, Estella, as an
instrument for exacting revenge on the male species.
If we can risk a broad
generalisation, “dry-eyed people” like Miss Havisham are more likely
to suffer acute reactions than those who are willing to face their
griefs as and when they come their way. Those who are unwilling to
do so are highly likely to experience some sort of a “rerun” of
these grief events – and quite possibly in a more serious form. As
Jennifer Rees Larcombe warns:
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Some people seem to make
their tragedy a way of life; it gains the attention, love
and help of other people. If their problems were solved they
would lose all that. Others stay miserable because they want
the person who caused it all to feel sorry. This casts us in
the role of victim or martyr – and if we do that too often
we risk becoming permanently typecast.5 |
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If we are tempted to indulge
in what Jennifer calls the POM’s and the POD’s (the “Poor
Old Me’s” and the “Put Others Down” syndome), bear in mind
the self-hatred that so often rides in on the back of
rejection. If we learnt as children that people come running
to meet our needs every time we fall over, we are quite
capable of continuing this pattern in later life, albeit in
rather more sophisticated ways, subtly exploiting our whims
and moods to control our environment.
Overcoming loneliness and finding
peace of mind means winning many a battle against self pity. If we
spot ourselves resorting to “silent treatment,” or some other form
of emotional manipulation, be doubly careful: such things have no
place in the Kingdom of God.
It is especially hard for people to
face their grief when they feel obliged to disguise it for much of
their life. Ministers, for example, are often concerned to give the
appearance of coping at all times, not only for the sake of those
they minister to, but also, perhaps, to “prove” that their faith is
working.
I am thinking here particularly of
the grief that people carry when they are involved in a secret or
illicit relationship. Such people’s need for pastoral care is often
still greater than for those afflicted by the pangs of more
“socially acceptable” grief – but it takes more courage for would-be
helpers to offer their friendship and support.
The more ambivalent a person’s
position, the more likely it is that their grief will dip
underground. This in turn makes them inclined to go a long way out
of their way to avoid meeting certain people. No wonder James says,
Confess your sins to one another (James 5:16): the Lord wants
to spare His people the strain of living a double life! As our
friends Paul and Gretel Haglin urge: “Have the courage to go in and
rescue those whom Satan has taken captive.”
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Reflect and Pray
Have you noticed yourself holding back from mentioning certain
people or episodes? Are you merely being wise – or actually
suppressing grief? The risk is that you will build such sturdy walls
to protect yourself (and your reputation) that you end up keeping
other people – and even the Lord Himself – at a “safe” distance.
Lord, when You and I are both ready,
bring my griefs to the surface,
so that I can face them properly –
for when I start pulling others down,
I risk turning my back
on all the good things You are doing in their lives.
When I seek sympathy inappropriately,
I risk choking everyone’s joy.
Where shame is gnawing at my soul
let Your love light burn it away,
for there is no shame in loving You;
only the joy of finding Your arms open wide.
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