|
Whilst we have all watched people
bearing hardship bravely, I am, for obvious reasons, more concerned
here to help people who are faring less well. Dr Cecily Saunders
once asked a patient in great pain what it was he was looking for
from those who were caring for him. “For someone to look as if they
are trying to understand me!” he replied.2
Not all of us are blessed with healthy
genes and strong constitutions, and many of us find it difficult to
adjust to new realities when our body begins to weaken and fail.
Some project their frustration outwards at this point, and put the
blame for their misfortunes on someone or something else: the
treatment they are receiving, the ineptness of their doctor, or any
one of a thousand other scapegoats. If those who are standing
alongside are not alert to this ploy, they risk missing the real
point, which may actually lie in the difficulty they are having in
coming to terms with their mortality.
Those who are excessively
goal-oriented, or who are suffering from mental or chronic illness,
often have great difficulty trusting that there is a way forward in
the face of the pain and disorganisation that loss brings in its
wake. Longing to be in control of their circumstances, they may
resort to using their pain as a deflection mechanism, and to make
others feel guilty that they are not doing enough to help them. It
is important to realise that all such manipulative behaviour
backfires sooner or later.
When people start to use their pain
in such ways, even comparatively minor ailments quickly assume major
proportions. This is hardly surprising, since most forms of
psychological pain revolve around feelings of guilt. Again, those
who are trying to come alongside people caught in this cycle will
miss the real point if they direct their efforts only towards their
superficial complaints.3
Our litigation-conscious generation
is becoming far too used to looking for someone to blame for any
distress or difficulty that we go through. We will do better if we
consciously choose to “bless and forgive” rather than proceed down
this road.
Many newly-bereaved people likewise
“blame” their partners for abandoning them. Deep down they wonder
why they deserve to be treated like this. Superficially it may look
as though such people are full of bitterness; it might be nearer the
truth, however, to realise that they are simply “deflecting”
something they are finding too painful to deal with.4
At the same time the Lord wants to
remove the underlying humiliation we may be carrying around, either
as the result of our own inadequacies, or from being unable to do
anything about someone else’s. May the Lord lift any guilt we have
allowed to settle on us, for shame and guilt risk shrinking our zeal
and limiting our freedom. This is not quite as straightforward as it
may sound, for some of us are more prone than others to hold on to
these things. Let me explain.
Those of us who have “pain-prone
personalities” often suffer from deep-seated feelings of
worthlessness, which fuel the sense of shame and humiliation that I
have alluded to. Strangely, we often enjoy better health when we
find ourselves up against particularly difficult circumstances. The
reason for this is that we feel we are reaping what we deserve, and
set ourselves to cope accordingly with whatever comes our way.
Deep down, we view punishment and
pain as the proper outcome for our chronically ingrained guilt. By
contrast, when things are going better outwardly for us (or for
others) we may find ourselves less able to rejoice than we should
be. That is because other people’s success can make us feel no
longer needed. The risk then is that people will tire of sharing
“cheerful” things with us, because experience has shown that we are
unable to enter into their joy.
Who is most likely to use pain in
such ways as a form of comfort? It is surely those who have not been
shown unconditional love, or who have been the victims of some kind
of abuse. What are the tell-tale signs that it may be present in our
lives? Not only inner anxiety but something as simple as the
tendency to say, “Yes but” . . . every time someone proposes a path
that would lead to a promising outcome. Because we consider
ourselves unworthy of success, something deep inside baulks whenever
we get within sight of achieving some worthwhile goal.
Alternatively, we develop some untimely ailment, which causes us to
miss out altogether.
If this pattern of using pain and
grief rings bells in your experience, the following prayer is just
for you. Ask the Lord to continue His work of sanctification in your
soul – and refuse to let your pain-prone personality come up with
human substitutes. |
