In the Immediate Aftermath
At the very time when grieving people find themselves obliged to
shoulder many additional responsibilities, a new grief may come
their way when certain friends appear conspicuous by their absence.
In the case of a spouse dying, people who related to them as a
couple often prove less welcoming now that they are single again.
Unexpected awkwardness and even jealousies surface, with some people
regarding them now as a potential threat to their own
relation-ships. Needless to say, this merely increases their sense
of no longer belonging.
Almost everybody these days pays
lip-service to the idea that mourners should be encouraged to
express their emotions, but the language they use to describe how
they are “coping” often reveals that deep down they still admire a
very different set of values. When they speak of the bereaved
“breaking down” and “weeping uncontrollably,” it may seem to imply
that the person concerned would have done better to have held
themselves together.
Let’s not forget that something
tremendously important has happened. A human life has reached its
conclusion, and it is right that we should mark the occasion. Since
death is the ultimate statistic (one out of one people die),
funerals are a good time to remind those of us who still have time
to run on our “lease on life” about the One who has the right to
call in this “lease.”
It is customary nowadays, either at
the funeral or at a memorial service, to celebrate the life and
achievements of the departed. The aim is to create an occasion which
will be uplifting at the time and memorable in retrospect. This
means having the courage to go beyond the sentimental to proclaim
the eternal Gospel of Jesus in the face of death. Our concern is to
pray divine comfort for those left behind, as well as to call all
present – who may have but the haziest idea of what a relationship
with the Lord Jesus is all about.
As well as surrounding the bereaved
with a network of caring people who will continue to be there when
the post-funeral sandwiches have been consumed, the aim is also to
help everyone concerned to realise that the loss itself is final. To
aid you in your preparations at what is likely to be a highly
stressful time, we have included some links to provide suitable
material for such events.1
A question that is likely to be
uppermost in everybody’s mind is “what about the children?” Since
children are likely to exhibit feelings of unreality long after a
parent or grandparent has died, attending the funeral service
usually helps them to accept the fact that the loss is final. If
denied this opportunity, children may develop the strangest
imaginings about what has really happened.
Some children may be too young to
cope with the intensity of the occasion, but most will benefit more
from saying goodbye in this way to a loved one than to attend some
alternative (usually some artificially arranged activity) while the
funeral is taking place. Catherine Marshall would agree with this
wholeheartedly:
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Are we not handling the
grossest insult imaginable to the young when we assume that
they have not the spiritual or character resources to handle
this test courageously and victoriously?2 |
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An increasing number of
people are choosing to have an initial service in a
crematorium, attended by close friends and family, and then
to hold a special memorial service later.3
Paying attention to the musical side
of the funeral service can be as important as the prayers prayed and
the words spoken, for, as we saw in the section
“The
Power of Music.” Music is its own language, and God uses
it to touch parts of our being that words alone cannot reach.
Rosalind and I would certainly want our passing to glory to be
marked in such a way. |
